Wednesday, October 14, 2009

more about the recently disolved partnership

This is not the part where I beat my breast and sniffle and discover that I was a terrible girlfriend-entirely unworthy of Sean's affection. Instead this is the point where I affirm to myself and all within listening that loving someone-being in love-is not enough. It's also the part where I admit to some of the things I've done wrong, but like I said, no breast-beating.

I admit that the things I am willing to post on the Internet are not my only sins. But the others are too personal for me to write up online. That's fair right?

Sean and I had nothing to talk about. He didn't want to hear what I had to say of an evening and I would get annoyed with him when he interrupted my reading to tell me something. This had been apparent for sometime, but did not seem to me like cause to end the relationship-after all we still loved each other.

But it finally occurred to me today as I walked to the commuter rail that you cannot keep a human happy by treating them like a cat. What do I mean by that? Well, I was perfectly willing to accept that Sean liked to spend time playing with the Internet , or playing with the Wii. I thought I could just live with him and we could just pursue our own interests--but still pass each other in the hall or in the kitchen and talk and that this would still constitute a relationship.

I admit that even now I'm wondering what was wrong with that model (perhaps some of the things I'm not willing to write about on the Internet) but I also know it is not a good one. For one thing, your SO should get more respect than your pets. When I say this I do not at all imply that this was my lack of respect for Sean was my fault-or at least not entirely. I mean that your SO should be someone that you respect and treat differently than you do your cat. And that's about the level of involvement I was willing to give Sean. Any more would have given me a headache or caused arguments.

None of this means I don't love him and didn't value his companionship-it's just that somehow-bizarre as it seems to me still-people who love each other and value each other's companionship can't always live together.

I now feel like I aught to sing a few lines out of Chess-the musical. I really don't know what the take-away from all of this is for me. There's "Sorry you wasted 9 years" or "humans suck" or "you're weird" or "you're unlucky." I'm going to choose the last, kindest summation.

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