Sunday, April 24, 2011

How To Never Get Laid Again

Like many concepts of human behavior, the Never Get Laid Again (NGLA) area is a spectrum. This does not include mental illness or other innate conditions (sleep apnea, IBS, speech impediments, etc.) because those conditions 1) are not your fault 2) don't necessarily result in never getting laid again(I've never heard of IBS being a turn-on but I've definitely met people who found mental illness hot ). The NGLA spectrum encompasses things that people choose to do which make it difficult for other people to find them...lovable or fuckable.

On one side you have behaviors that might cut down on your chances of getting laid--owning a hairless cat, listening to annoying music, being a Republican in Massachusetts, being a Democrat in Arkansas, saying "that's what she said" all the time--whether it's relevant or not or having too many Homestar Runner T-shirts (not that I would know anything about that.) These things may cut down on your chances of getting laid, but they won't obliterate them.

On the other end of the spectrum we have behaviors that give you a small but non-zero chance of ever getting laid again such as having an extra throat pouch installed so that you can consume a second meal, but keep it in your throat until you are hungry again, corresponding with others only in Esperanto and having your sex organs removed entirely.

In between the two ends of the spectrum lie many different ridiculous human behaviors. One of which you, dear reader are probably doing now.

1 comment:

Chris Gwinn said...

Esperanto conventions are notorious for hookups. Did you know there are fourteen conjugations the "to have a one night stand" in Esperanto?