Thursday, August 27, 2009

I am heartbroken

A very bad thing just happened to me. My Boyfriend of 9+ years just dumped me because even though he loves me and I'm his best friend, he's been very unhappy about several things for a long time.

I could see this coming, but I thought I had a few months. Our roommate just moved out and things could get better once it was just the two of us. It's also been a stressful time. A friend of ours has brain cancer, work sucks etc. So I was completely blind-sided when he told me this.

Now I have to find a new apartment (probably at double the rent since I do not want a roommate. There's one person I wanted to live with and he does not want to live with me.) I'm completely shattered. I thought that after 9 years or so we were past that point. Living with him has been the only place that felt like home for the past 10 years.

But what has occurred to me is that I really really need to stop hating myself. I mean, I've known this for a while (duh) and this year I've made steps towards that-deciding to go for an MBA was one. It made me feel like I was back on track to being a human-that I didn't need to be ashamed of myself. A lot of that is, at the moment not in play-given the whole dumped thing. But you get the idea, maybe.

But if I didn't hate myself, then I wouldn't put up with bad treatment. I'd say something about it. Instead of being too afraid that I'd cause an argument. On the surface this sounds like it would have ended the relationship sooner, but there's more to it than that. If I didn't hate myself I wouldn't feel so insecure and un-willing to let go and take direction or trust someone else to show me a good time. I wouldn't get so annoyed by unsolicited advice.

I just got the feeling i was lucky the Boy put up with me, so I shouldn't make waves. If I didn't hate myself, I wouldn't put up with me. I'd find and fix the crack in my soul (I don't know exactly what it was but it appeared around 1999) instead of pussyfooting around it for fear it would get worse. No, this would not be fun at all. But I might come out a better human for it (I could hardly come out a worse one) and I might, one day be able to be in a romantic relationship again and this time not get dumped.

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