Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I find myself thinking strange things

They are so strange that I put them in little Tupperware containers in my mind and only take them out to examine when I have the time to do so. Some of them have not been taken out yet, but I know they're there.

There are so many different things that hurt some of them surprise me-like the sweater in Hilton's yesterday. I am still not sure which hurts more-to lose Sean's companionship or to think that I may be alone, possibly permanently. These are separate things. If Sean had had his epiphany 5 years ago, I'd be 5 years younger and prettier and I'd have had 5 years to meet someone else. As it is now, in my mid-thirties, pretty much everyone I know my age has found their mate. I feel like I've kind of missed that boat. Besides, if even Sean is unwilling to put up with me what hope is there?

There's another thought I have which is-maybe that won't matter. (I doubt this but time alone will tell) maybe I can get over drinking Gilbert and Sullivan kool aid all through my childhood. Yes, a mate is nice. But ultimately even I agree that by the end our relationship was not providing most of the things that marriages or partnerships are supposed to provide. For either of us. I had more meaningful conversations with my co-workers than I did with Sean for most of this summer. So maybe, instead of spending energy on pleasing someone else (or being upset that I couldn't) I can learn to spend it on me. And maybe that will be okay. It really sounds so cliche when written out. That doesn't mean it's not true.

There's also sometimes a feeling of freedom. Yes this sucks, but I think of all the things I was never going to be able to do because doing them with Sean would be-difficult, expensive, less fun. Of course, there's a flip side. There are things I won't be able to do anymore because he's dumped me. Things like going to Cape Cod (since I don't drive.)

So those are my strange thoughts for today.

1 comment:

Dan said...

I was hopelessly alone just 2 years ago, a few months short of my 35th birthday. Hold on hope: