Friday, September 25, 2009

What do I want?

I am hurt by this breakup. I've spent the day crying and packing. And yet, some part of me wonders if I've been barking up the wrong tree.

What do I mean by that? I'm not sure.

I've had a boyfriend of some sort for most of the time since October 1992. In 1998, in Paris, I discovered that being in love (and being beloved) was not enough to make me happy. Well, what does make me happy?
Being in love (and loved back) but that's not enough
Having friends, but that's not enough
Having partnership of some sort. This is different than just having friends or a partner. This involves having a person, or people with whom you share a common goal. I don't know if it would be enough to make me happy, because I've never really had it "straight up" I've worked with friends and lovers on projects but nothing really long term and "significant." For example, working with my ex-boyfriend the two of us managed to buy furniture together and occasionally to fix a computer together. Working with a friend of mine, we've implemented cool new software. But neither of these is the same as something as significant and as ongoing as starting a business venture or a charity or even (and at this I've tried and failed to get interest) a blog.

I'm banging on about this because I like useful partnerships.

Then there's domestic partnerships. They involve working on things like having a nice apartment, buying a house and a car and having children. While I liked having a domestic partnership, I have to admit that these goals are mostly uninteresting to me. I mean, well yes it would be nice to have a house-paying money to a landlord or landlady feels like throwing money into a furnace to me. And my ex and I did look forward to having a dog together, but I haven't been interested in having kids for a decade at least (and watching my sister have them has put me even more off the idea.) I suppose that having a nice house and having children might be more attractive to me if I had succeeded in making something of myself before now. If I had satisfied my ambition (I really think it's silly to think that I'm ambitious but I must be.) If I'd known that I was doing all I could do-putting my brain to a good use 10 years ago, then maybe I'd be thinking it was time to buy a house or make copies of myself, but then again I am a late bloomer.

So while I admire and envy my friends who've just gotten married, or bought houses or had beautiful children I mostly envy them for not being dumped by their partners.

Which brings me back to the idea that I was barking up the wrong tree. I don't need most of the things that come with domesticity. I need...something else. Although I love Sean very much and would be very happy to have had him around while I found the something else I was looking for, profited by it and bought a house for him to fuss with.

My ex and I are very much alike. As I say of the people who understand me and who I understand implicitly, we vibrate on the same frequency. More so than was good for us, apparently. But I don't give a toss for a nice curtains or any of the other domestic niceties (he does). I'm a bear in a cave. Can I find my computer? With Internet access? Can I find my books? Is there something clean to prepare food with/eat food off of? Is there food? Are there tools to prepare the food? Is there coffee? Is there beer? Does the shower contain any new lifeforms? No. Then I am happy. Really I should have been born a male.

1 comment:

oboediva said...

Hmm -- interesting contrast of termination situations here.

1) Partner dumps you = sudden shock and intense pain

2) Workplace is obviously no longer the right place for you, but they won't dump you; they're just making you miserable until you finally leave = prolonged frustration and rage.

Both are situations in which something that was once right, fulfilling, and comfortable is no longer working. Which type of termination is easier to deal with in the long run?

There's no right answer here . . . just something to think about.

And yes, it sucks to be dealing with both at once.