Friday, September 18, 2009

I shouldn't have picked the Dorothy Sayer's novel with a wedding in it

But of course I had to. After reading two other novels with Harriet Vane in them, I had to see how they would deal once actually married. I like Harriet a lot, and at my most miserable have tried picturing her telling me "My dear Cantabridgienne, this just won't do. You must pull yourself together. Of course you feel terrible, but you really can't go on like this. Now, what shall we do about it?"

But reading about the wedding has just made me very sad. What I wanted very much, was for someone to love me and cherish me and never leave me. I've always hated weddings. I never put my finger on why, but some of it was that I hate ceremony and some of it was I couldn't imagine ever going through the the ridiculous process of having one. Also, I think some of it has to do with the fact that I could never imagine anyone looking lovingly at me and smiling as they said their vows. (Really, who would ever feel that silly and sentimental about me? I couldn't imagine it even before my relationship of almost 10 years ended. I certainly can't imagine it now.)

I did want to be a wife (or at least a mate/partner) but I haven't wanted to be a bride since my first communion (playing with my white dress, veil and bouquet at age 12.)

Reading this silly story about made up people getting married in 1937 had made me very sad.

I have tried telling myself (as mentioned in an earlier post) that surely I don't need a man to be happy, surely there's more to life than that. Which is all very well and true--when you have a partner, but there are some things the feminists missed. It's wrong to have becoming Mrs. Him as a goal, but it's okay to want a partner, and if you're heterosexual that partner is likely to be a guy. And it's all very well to say that I'm fiercely independent (which is probably part of why it all broke down. I can't trust enough to let go and follow the lead) but I couldn't go to a 4 day conference in Florida with out feeling at loose ends because Sean wasn't there. The final separation in a week and a half is going to feel like an amputation. Everything that hurt before will hurt again (along with my back-after moving my books and bookshelves.)

On another note, Sean decided after looking at MIT Medical's helpful webpage that he has swine flu (looking at it, I couldn't disagree.) Unfortunately this means that me and our roommate also had/have swine flu (since we all got the same infection-we came down with it after attending the funeral of the old man we all loved.)


oboediva said...

"Really, who would ever feel that silly and sentimental about me? I couldn't imagine it even before my relationship of almost 10 years ended."

I can't think of a better reason for a new relationship.

Dan said...

As a former resident of Florida, and an optimist, I'll suggest that perhaps 4 days in Florida without your partner is a crueler fate than an amputation and the beginning of new limb growth in Beverly.